As I tensely walked out of the teachers’ room, my heart was most likely doing 190 BPM and my legs were trembling. I turned to the narrow hallway and headed towards the door with the sign that said “Beginning English AM”. I kept my mind organized, and tried not to panic; although my hand was nervously toying with the name tag that hung and swung from my neck. “REIKA YOKOOKA”, my name was written on it, with the title “AM English Teacher” below it. I thought to myself, “Can I really be an English teacher? Just because I have gone through the training and orientation, does it mean that I AM one now?” I paused when I was facing the wooden door. I stopped playing with my name tag and placed my hand on the doorknob. Big blocks of doubts were stacking up before my eyes at the last moment. Taking a deep breath, I turned the doorknob hesitantly and gently pushed open the door as it made a little squeaking sound. Some of the students turned around, so I quickly looked down. I slid into the room and closed the door behind me. It took me three awkward steps to get to the blackboard. As I looked up, fearful of how they were looking at me, they greeted me, “Good morning teacher!” and with their genuine smiles… my fear, pressure, worries, hesitation, doubts, and confusion were gradually and steadily dissolved away by the warmth of their eyes.
Now it seems so long ago, since it has been about one year I began teaching. That morning, even before I carried out my lesson plan, my students approved me and respected me as a teacher. From the start, I knew it was going to be okay and I am not quite sure how I felt that way, but something about their eyes told me that I will be doing just fine, even at times when I make mistakes in the future. I have always felt incompetence towards presenting myself in front of people and I have also thought that I just was not made for it. Although I still fear being the center of the attention, I have gotten a better sense of what I am capable of. I will never forget this experience, for it was like finding a very important part of me that has been hidden since I began to deny and run away from my fear.
In the end, I am glad that I decided to push myself and dive into my own fear. If I did not choose to do so, I know that I would have missed out on this wonderful experience. Now with the new semester ahead of me at the English Learning Center, I am looking forward to teach every week, and see my students’ smile, as they greet me, “Hello teacher!”
Reika Yokooka volunteers at the English Learning Center - Minneapolis. She received honorable mention for this story in the 2012 Volunteer Story Contest. Check back next week for another story.
